This whole grieving process is a wild ride. Some days I’ll feel perfectly normal and sane. Other days, the tears won’t stop.
Actually, I hadn’t really cried much since the week my mama died. We had two funerals for her (one in Colorado, one in Texas), and I didn’t cry at either. It was kind of freaking me out a little bit because…well, it’s not like I’m not sad. I am sad…really sad. Constantly. But the tears just wouldn’t fall.
Until Friday. The floodgates opened, and out came my sad little soul, dripping all over everything. I called and cried to my dad, my sister-in-law, my aunt – and they all said the same thing: you’ve just got to embrace it. Embrace the tears. Walk through the hurt. Cry when you feel like it. Lean on the people who love you. And amazingly, that made me feel better – just to let the sadness hit me. I embraced my messy, sloppy, grieving heart.
When I hung up from talking to my aunt, I looked over and sweet Adrienne Bren had grabbed a magazine, pulled it off the coffee table, and was ripping it to shreds.
I started laughing. Hard. Harder than I was crying because you see – my mama loved messes. More specifically, she loved it when little kids made messes. She taught preschool for more than twenty years and she fully embraced each mess along the way. She thought it was the only way for kids to learn.
Embrace the mess.
So, I sat down on the floor with her and we just tore every page of that magazine up into little bits, and then threw it in the air and laughed about it. I know my mama is proud.
Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. – Luke 9:24
Beautiful post.
Absolutely beautiful. I’m sure your mama was looking down on you at that moment with a big smile on her face. 
So sorry for your loss. I’m going through a similar thing at the moment – my Grandad just died on friday. I actually felt bad yesterday as I didn’t cry that day! But grief is personal and sometimes we feel the need to be strong for others. Hugs x
What a beautiful post! I’m sad to hear about your mom and am sending lots of strength your way. It’s so great that you’re finding joy in your sweet little one – laughter is truly the BEST medicine/relief, and I speak from experience
Lots of love to your family!
great lesson for me, Katie. need to embrace the mess more!!!
Such a beautiful post. Thank God for your gorgeous little girl!
This is a beautiful post, Katie.
What a beautiful post. You’re right – sometimes life is messy (literally and figuratively) and the only way to grow stronger and learn from it is to embrace it!
Katie, I don’t even know you personally, but the only words that come to me right now are:
I Love You.
Repeating everyone else, truly a beautiful post and thank goodness for your lovely daughter who is there to put a smile on your face. Ripping up magazines sounds therapeutic and I will keep it in mind for myself
I also suggest coloring books
just beautiful. wonderful written and said. <3
I don’t go through grief “normally”, it always takes me longer to really cry and it seems to linger longer because of that. I love that you can see through your mom’s eyes right now and appreciate how she would have loved the mess. Praying for you!!
Glad I’m not alone, thank you for your prayers, Heather!
Ahh…this brought tears to my eyes. What a freeing (and healing) moment for you. Thanks for sharing.
Children are amazing, they often give us exactly what we need at the moment. Thank you for sharing these lovely, moving thoughts, Katie. <3
It’s so hard to embrace mess. But I think there’s so much to being vulnerable in Spirit and being real with our mess. Much love to you Katie. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing, I admire your strength in putting words to the truth.
Big giant hugs! Grieving seriously sucks sometimes, but the more you embrace it and let it out, the better you are going to feel. My Dad died two years ago and it was without warning and without a goodbye, for the first year I carried nothing but anger and sadness. It wasn’t until the anniversary in April of this year that I learned how to grieve the right way. As someone told me, grief comes in waves, most days you are ok, and then a wave comes to knock you down. When that happens, cry your little heart out and remember all of the good times.
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!
I’m so sorry for your loss! This was a beautiful post and just shows how your mama will remain in your life and heart in the best ways <3
You are beautiful
Wow, what a beautiful post. I’ll carry the message with me today. <3
It makes me smile to know that I can affect your day for the better, thanks Brittany!
What a sweet post. I have done the same thing when losing someone close to me, I don’t cry. Then all of a sudden it just comes pouring out. I think it’s because I don’t really believe it’s real and then it hits me. You have such a beautiful baby and she will continue to remind you of your mom. Sending hugs to you! Stay strong <3
That’s for sure…I think I was in shock/denial for 3 weeks. The release of tears feels good, though.
When I was 19 my mom passed away, this years makes 5 years. The only advice I can give you is that time helps. I still cry for her, I still wish she could have been here for all my adult mile stones but now I look back and I only feel grateful for the time I had and the laughs we shared. No one can replace your momma. No one can really understand the hurt we feel. I remember feeling angry that the world kept moving but it felt like mine just paused and I was in slow motion. I still have her number in my phone and I still get the urge to call. But I promise it gets better. It really does.
Beautiful post. No doubt, she is proud. Hang in there
Bookmarking this post- how beautiful, Katie. I love how God uses those funny little things to remind us that he cares
Love you, girl!
I’m glad you are now able to deal with you grief. I felt the same way when my grandmother passed away. I was between the age of 6 and 8 and thought it was weird that I was not crying at her funeral. My grandmother babysat me and took me places on the bus. I wasn’t able to deal w/ my feelings at that time.
It’s great that Adrienne was able to help bring you back into the moment w/ a great memory you have about your mom. It’s great you have a lot of support and are able to talk it through. Stay strong
Such big hugs Katie. I’m praying for you, especially that you’ll embrace the mess. Sounds like Adrienne is just what you need.
She is a joy and a blessing for sure! Thanks for your prayers.
I was the exact same way. It took me a really long time before I think it really “hit” me that my dad died. Even now it still sometimes feels like a bad dream. But I find the most random and unassuming situations will trigger my sadness and when it comes, I just embrace it. I think it’s a hugely important part of the grieving process to just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you may be feeling at whatever moment.
I love you friend – and that little baby of yours!
Yeah, I’m not sure it’s even fully sunken in yet – I’m glad I have you to coach me through all of this!! Love you, friend.
This was so touching.
Bless you!
such a beautiful post. i know it’s not the same thing, but when we had our miscarriage last year i cried all day every day for almost 6 months straight, even when i was pregnant with Wes (probably more then because i was scared for his life!). the tears don’t feel good but they do help heal!
Beautiful. We always call that crying process, “Letting the oogies out.” You just gotta! I wish you a day filled with many beautiful messes.
I love that…the oogies. I’m letting them allll out now, and it feels good.
What a beautiful post. The pictures of Adrienne only emphasize the open door of life, as opposed to your mother’s closed door. She came just in time, you know? I’ve noticed that deaths in my family are often met with births, and that is the beauty of life, whatever chaos and mess it may bring.
I completely agree – embrace your feelings and let yourself go. I can’t even imagine what you are going through and I’m sure there will be moments of happiness and remembrance as well as moments of sadness and anger. It’s all normal and I know you will find the silver lining just like you did with the magazine. Little girls sure know how to cheer up their mamas right?
I’ve gone through the same thing, having to “embrace the sadness” that comes with losing a parent. My dad passed 2 years ago and still I get teary eyed during certain times. It was especially hard when I got married 2 weeks ago, I had my first dance with my brother and my mom walked me down the aisle. It was amazing and I wouldn’t change it, but there was a little sadness in the air at certain moments.
I am so, so, so sorry for your loss and that your daddy wasn’t there with you on your wedding day…I can’t even imagine. Thanks for sharing with me. Love to you.
Thanks and I’m.so sorry for your loss. These thugs just plain suck but while the hurt is always there, it does get easier with time.
Christina http://www.forkyou-noforkyou.com
Sent from my HTC smartphone on the Now Network from Sprint!
Embrace the mess- great way to think! I love it!
I still think of you often and I am so glad your little miracle is helping you to heal.
Great advice! ***hugs***
I love this! I wish I could give you a big hug and us just sit over coffee and cake and chat (and maybe even cry). I pray that God can help me and you to embrace the messes of life! Love you friend, and I’m praying for you!
I love this post! Messes are the best! Your mama is proud!
This was very touching and beautiful. That is the type of clarity that often comes through grief. I have lost some close family members over the last couple of years and have learned that you need to cherish every single day. Thank you for reminding me that even the messes of everyday life are worth embracing.
this was a lovely post. i think you captured all of the emotions that go along with grief just perfectly. i lost my grandmother almost 4 years ago and i think about her a lot, but it’s those moments that come up out of a nowhere that really hit you hard, like a scent or someone who looks like her or sounds like her. grief is such an odd thing for all of us…
This post was so beautiful and so true! My heart ached when my Memere died two years ago and the only way I found my smile again was to allow myself to feel the hurt and just cry. Hugs!
This is such an amazing post. Your mom sure sounds like she was a really special person. I’m praying for you, Katie.
I love this. <3
Your personal stories are so heartfelt. I cannot thank you enough for sharing.
Absolutely beautiful.
reading this really made me tear up, but it also brought back some really amazing memories of making messes at your house when we were kids. your mom really did embrace it! some favorites: the mud castle, haunted houses, pie eating contests!!!, backyard carnival, “indian week”, the list goes on! thinking about you every day and can’t wait to see you soon!
I forgot all about the mud castle!! Oh, and remember the POND? I need to dig up some of those picture…
what a great post… made me a little teary eyed even! hugs to you! xoxo
[...] What a beautiful post this is. “Embrace the mess” – something we all need to be reminded of from time to [...]
I never know what to say to someone who is grieving. But Luke 9:24 said it all! Hope you can find strength and healing in our one true and faithful Lord and his absolute promises. Thank you for such a beautiful post! It is powerful!
beautiful post!
I’m a long time lurker and I’ve never posted before, but I wanted to tell you that this really touched me.
[...] Embrace the Mess – Katie recently lost her mother, and her reflections on how her own adorable baby daughter is helping to lift her out of dark places, into light, and embrace what life has dealt her are so very moving. A must-read. [...]
Katie, your daughter is a cutie. I love the simile, if that’s the right word. Please remember me to the rest of your family.
I loved this post. I need to learn to embrace the mess more. Sounds like Adrienne is teaching you important messages in life and that is so amazing that we can learn so much from children.