It’s amazing what the lighting in our house can do to my brain. Mornings are alive because the sun streams in through the kitchen windows, bathing everything in a warm, yellow/orange hue that I cannot resist. As I sit at our kitchen table and take it all in with a cup of coffee in my hands, everything feels right. Then again in the afternoon, that same golden light pours in through the windows in the kids’ rooms and I almost always pull out my big camera. I never get sick of it. Ever.
The other day, I was snapping pictures when Meeker came home and started playing with the kids. I took some of my favorite pictures I’ve ever taken of my little family and all of a sudden, I remembered what if felt like to be inspired.
For the last year or so, I feel like I’ve been in survival mode. The miniscule amount of sleep I was getting was probably the entire issue, but I just never felt completely on top of my game. But NOW…oh, now. Jesse has settled into a glorious pattern whereupon he sleeps al night (most nights) and then takes two naps during the day. If you’ve talked to me at all in the last year, and heard me complain about how exhausted I was, you know, this is HUGE. The kid has so much energy and he’s so dang cute and hilarious and he was impossible to get to sleep. He fought it with every cell in his body for almost 365 days. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you how much he moved and how little he slept in the last year. But…we’ve made it. I did it. Well, he did it. He figured out how to sleep. It feels like a miracle. An honest to goodness miracle.
And in my well-rested, photo snapping session the other day, I felt inspired. Something I hadn’t felt in the longest time. I almost didn’t recognize it. And I’m telling you because this blog has turned into what I refer to in my head to the twenty-eighth season of the Simpsons. Something so forced and dry and completely uninspired. I’ve been trying to push mediocre things along and I constantly, constantly think about quitting.
But these images revive me. All it took was a giggle fest and the right light. I’m still not sure where this leaves me and my blog. I don’t want to do it forever. But at the same time, I can’t imagine what it would feel like to walk away. What if one day I feel inspired again…where do I share that? Where will I pour my (brief) inspired moments of creativity or zest for life? I really do like sharing. This feels like a good space to direct some of my passion, but…is it sustainable? Is there a better outlet? I can’t decided. I constantly cannot decide.
I read an excerpt from this book the other day and it keeps popping into my mind when I look at these pictures……
When van Gogh was a young man in his early twenties… he sat in his cheap little room writing a letter to his younger brother in Holland, whom he loved very much. He looked out his window at a watery twilight, a thin lamppost, a star, and he said in his letter something like: “It is so beautiful I must show you how it looks.” And then on his ruled notepaper he made the most beautiful, tender little drawing of it…”
I totally get that creative impulse. That feeling of being so inspired by something that you must share it. But there are days (lots of them) when I don’t feel that. There are days when I don’t feel like cranking out a recipe or the right words just because I have a blog and I feel obligated to create something. But then there are times when it pours out of me. I think that’s probably pretty common with creativity, but I’m just typing aloud here. Just trying to settle into my tiny spot here on the internet. Trying to figure out how this season of my life and my creative mind can co-exist. Because if it’s not blogging, it’s going to be something…but what? So for now, when I feel inspired, I’ll show you, because I don’t know where else to go with it. I hope that’s okay with you. I also hope it’s okay that I sometimes don’t at all feel enlivened, and I won’t show up here. At the end of the day, I want this to be a happy place where I can pour my overflow of joy and passion (I mean, beyond what I pour into my family, because they have to put up with me daily), and I’m going to try my hardest to stay true to that.
We’ll just have to see where that takes us, huh? Thanks for reading (some of you for SIX YEARS, whaaaat?). I cannot even tell you how much I appreciate you being willing for me to share with.